waaaaaaaahhh ....

Remember when I was all like OH REMEMBERING BEDA WILL BE SO MUCH EASIER???

yeah me too.

well, shit on my face // Beda 20

I have officially failed V(B)eda. Unhappy.

Tonight, I'd like to discuss Firefly with you. I adore Firefly, and everything I've seen of Joss' work is amazing. Particularly Firefly because it was my first Whedon and it will always hold a special place in my heart. The first time I watched it was with my ex, and at the time I was watching it because I loved him and he loved it. But now, it is so good and I love it for what it is.

I can never place what it is about the show that draws me in: the complex characters, the indepth worlds, or the intricasies of each episode. I don't know. And I can never decide whom I love the most. I want to say Zoe, but then I love Kaylee and oh my god Wash. They are all such deep characters; its like I know them all. And of course Serenity herself is a complex character all her own.

I've been watching an episode before bed the last few days, and then tonight my friend Lyndsay wanted to see it, so I watched the first two episodes with her. It is always great to watch something you love through the eyes of someone new. To me, its like I'm discovering the worlds all over again, and it is great. I miss the excitement when there is a plot twist and watching her reactions brings back all of the same feeling I felt when I first watched it. It's great.

I hope you've all seen it. Tomorrow, I think I'll make a list of my favorite quotes from the show. I love quotes. Til then

xx

the engine rattles my bum like beserk // beda 19

hey, blog. So, as you may or may not know, I spend a lot of my time on youtube, and I vlog. I've been participating in veda*, but unfortunately, Hedwig has given out on me, at least for the time being. To make a long story short, I've been unable to put quality videos up and I thought it would be easier to blog instead of putting shit quality up.

In reference to the title of this blog, I have basically been listening to JCB Song by Nizlopi on repeat today** and its slow melody and wonderful lyrics have put me into a reflective state, but I don't know what to be reflective about. It's a wonderful song and all, hmm. I don't know. I am also learning to play it, which is difficult, but I'm enjoying it. It is very close to quiet hours so I gave it a rest for tonight. But I have all the time tomorrow as I don't have classes, so I'll probably pick it up some more then.

Something else that's put me in a reflective state recently is the fact that I finished Looking for Alaska again recently, and John's writing always puts me in a state of thought. Just cause that is John. and that is one of the reasons I love him. Mom calls him my guru, and I guess he sort of is. His writing and his videos give me a sort of mantra to live by.

WHY DO MY BLOGS ALWAYS GET SO RETROSPECTIVE?? Tomorrow, we'll have funny or pop culture or something.

xx



* -- Vlog Every Day in April
** -- interspersed of course, with Eddplant's cover of it.

Hello, blog! Its been awhile, yeah? SORRY! I still love you.

Sidenote, these people just came into the lobby and they were all looking at me like WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR DOMAIN?!?!
and I was all like.... come at me, bro.
(not really though, I just sat here and looked at them and then started typing.)

HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE THINGS? THE KIDS DOING WELL, I PRESUME?
.... who the fuck am I even talking to. NO ONE READS YOU.


Amazing thing, LJ, one of my IRL friends, found my videos and apparently fangirls over me now. This is a weird feeling. Almost as weird at the fact that the people I was just talking about have now come back into the lobby and I think are going to study in the kitchen? Maybe, I don't know. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Back to LJ, I am surpirsed she likes them as much as she does. But happily surprised. Also, I think she is going to come see me in May, which is awesome because it has been almost a year! Well, since July. But still.

In other news, I signed my housing contract for next year and I found out that I'll be RA-ing on the floor I lived on this year, which is sort of strange for me. Simply because in my mind that RA room will always belong to Nicole (who is the RA this year) and it is sort of like I am replacing her. Which is just weird for me.

Anyway, I am supposed to be studying. I am sorry I neglect you so much. Don't hate me.

xx

During my days, I will get the BEST idea for a blog post, and then when I get to my computer, I promptly forget.


....
It was a really good idea, too.

Dear Everyone who gets depressed at Valentines..

WHY? Is my question. Its just another day out of the year, in my opinion. You're just as lonely as you were the day before and you'll be just as lonely tomorrow. Nothing has changed. Which is why I don't understand the people that get all bent out of shape over this day.

Personally, I see it as pointless from all ends of the spectrum. If you are in a relationship, why the hell do you need a special day to celebrate your love? Can't you tell that other person how special they are every day? Why should a holiday that is blatantly a ploy to make money matter to you then? I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship in which our love is celebrated once a year.

On the other hand, if you're single, why do you even care? Do you really want to live a life in which your feelings are dictated by whether or not you have someone to buy you chocolates on one day of the year? Obviously, Valentine's is promulgated by the candy, card, and flower industries as a way to make money. No, seriously.

In Spanish, February 14th is known as El Dia de el Amor y Amistad, which translates to Day of Love and Friendship. While I still don't see the point in a single day to celebrate the things that should be celebrated all the time. this makes more sense. It doesn't isolate the lonely, but rather it embraces all types of love.*
According to Wikipedia, the same Pope that started the celebration of St. Valentines' Day** also abolished the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, which was a celebration from February 13-15 to honor the gods of fertility. So, therefore can we assume Valentines' Day began as a attempt by the Church to assimilate the pagans, as it happened with other religious holidays? Which would then mean the day isn't that special, meaning we shouldn't stress over it.

Until next time, keep calm and be cynical,

C.


* - except bestiality. No one wants that.
** - oh, yes, there was more than one Valentine.

19, revisited.

This past weekend was one of the best I can remember in a long while. Having my new friends and my old friends all together was a great experience, but it left me thinking how I appeared to them. Everyone acts differently around certain people and I wondered how this was affecting me. I hope I'm genuine enough that the real me is what everyone sees.

In Memphis, there is one place I love to go above all others. Memphis has the largest park-within-a-city (that’s a technical term) in the country, and a portion of the park is the off-leash dog area. It is no secret that I love my dog more than some of my friends, so getting to go there and watch him run and play with the other dogs makes my heart warm. On Saturday*, I got to go with some of my favorite people. The weather was perfect, the friends were perfect, the dog was perfect. I don’t think we always take into consideration how much the weather plays on our moods,** but the weather that day just cemented how I was feeling. It was the perfect start to the day.

I won’t go into the details of the party, but it was wonderful too. I am truly blessed by the people I am honored to call my friends and I don’t know where I would be without them. This was probably the best birthday I’ve had in quite awhile and I don’t want the feelings to slip away just yet.

xx

* - the actual day of my birth
** - the weather was a balmy fifty or so Fahrenheit.. Last year on my birthday, school was cancelled because of the snow. Isn’t it funny how the weather, and the girl, can change in one year?

19.

Its been almost a month to the day since I last wrote here, and that sort of makes me feel like a failure. If it helps, I've popped over here a few times over the last thirty days, opened a draft, and sat and stared at the blinking thingy thing. (you know what I mean.)

BUT- I haz good topic to talk about today!

In two days' time, I'll be turning 19 which means I'll be entering my very last teen year. Which is a good feeling and also a scary one. I can't seem to make up my mind as to which feeling is overwhelming me at the moment. I think, actually I know that what needs to be overwhelming me is happiness. I'm passing through into "transitional adulthood" (a phrase I learned in Sociology today) where I have big girl responsibilities! but I still depend on my mom. Which I'm cool with. I just wish these years weren't going by so quickly. Like, I'm almost done with my first year of college & that literally blows my mind. Soon, it will be a year since I started this blog (which isn't that big of a feat, I must admit--it sort of blows) and soon it'll be a year since I discovered the wonder that is YouTube and vlogging (which I am getting better at :) )

And soon I'll graduating and starting my life and oh my god.

Don't get me wrong, I am overly excited for my future and everything that is going to happen to me. I'm just scared too because I've never travelled down this road, and like Katherine Howard, I like to have everything practiced perfectly before I do it. Therefore I don't falter or fuck up.* I don't stumbled and make a fool of myself. But I've never done any of this before and it's really scary. Hold me.

So, anyway-- I'm going home to celebrate my birthday with Selina. I'm actually taking my friends home with me and we're having a party at my house and its going to be excellent :) I'm really excited.
Though there are going to be people there who don't get along and I'm kind of interested in how that will turn out. But more on that never--private things are private after all :)

I have a paper to write--on psychology. whoop. buh bye now.

x

* - I've decided that here, on my blog, I'm going to speak like I would in real life. Which, in real life, I say words like fuck. I try not to use them elsewhere on teh interwebs, but I feel safe here. Hope you don't mind. xx